Guards! Guards!: A Discworld Novel – A Hilarious Satirical Fantasy of Insurrection, Magic, and a Dragon King

I hope Death is taking good care of Sir Terry Pratchett, because when he comes to take me to the other side, I’d like to kiss Sir Terry on the mouth. Because I’m in love. I don’t think words like clever, witty, cynical, hilarious, dark, wise, and gut-busting-funny really do justice to his writing, but it’s kind of all of those combined and you get this amazing writing that is both funny, clever, and underneath it all incredibly dark and somewhat sobering. But how else do you point out to people all that is wrong with humanity? No one wants to hear what’s wrong with humanity unless they want to become a deeply depressed, chain smoking, alcoholics. So you do it the only way that will get people to listen: you disguise it as a joke. So that people can laugh, sigh, and say “that clever bastard” and go on with their day without thinking of drowning themselves in a bottle of gin. I’ve been holding off on starting Terry Pratchett’s works for years because the collection is so massive and apparently you don’t start with book 1. After hearing about his passing, however, I knew I just had to do it. Since there are several viable starting points, after some consideration and research, I decided to start with The City Watch collection, as it is lauded as one of the funniest and best books in the collection. The book is about the city of Ankh Morpork and it’s Watch. “The city wasa, wasa, wasa wossname. Thing. Woman. That’s what it was. Woman. Roaring, ancient, centuries old. Strung you along, let you fall in thingy, love, then kicked you inna, inna, thingy. Thingy, in your mouth. Tongue. Tonsils. Teeth. That’s what it, she, did. She wasa … thing, you know, lady dog. Puppy. Hen. Bitch. And then you hated her and, and just when you thought you’d got her, it, out of your whatever, then she opened her great booming rotten heart to you, caught you off bal, bal, bal, thing. Ance. Yeah. Thassit. Never knew where where you stood. Lay. Only one thing you were sure of, you couldn’t let her go. Because, because she was yours, all you had, even in her gutters…” If you take a city and turn it upside down, put criminals in charge, and the “respectable” folk at the bottom you’ll have something vaguely resembling Ankh Morpork. Cover it in trash, alcohol, and feces and you’ll be much closer. Like any true fantasy this book has it’s heroes, it’s tyrants, it’s would-be-kings trying to beat the tyrants, secret societies, magical books and artifacts, and of course, last, but never the least: dragons. We go to the gutter to find our anti-hero Sam Vimes, Captain of the Night Watch, a depressed alcoholic brought low by a woman. The woman in this case is Ankh Morpork herself, his true love, his city. Our other hero is Carrot, a six foot Dwarf who may not be a Dwarf after all do to human genetics, in possession of the most non-magical sword in existence. And of course, Srg. Colon and Srg. Nobbs. Oh, and the Librarian mon— beg pardon, Ape. Who may have been a man once. They are all brilliant, lovable, and while slightly cowardly, ready to stand behind their Captain. Then there is of course Lord Havelock Vetinari, who is the city’s ruler, a tyrant who you probably actually don’t mind having in charge, since he’s not very tyrannical, but a very effective ruler. He demands greats respect and you have to give it him, because if you didn’t he’d send men to come and take it away. It takes a threat to the city, to the livelihood of all it’s criminal citizens, to get the good Captain out of his drunken malaise and turn him into the cynical, brooding, anti-hero his city needs, but never knew it wanted. That threat, of course, is a dragon, for what other creature could disturb a city that is already run by organized crime. But a dragon is only a dragon after all, and it will do what a dragon will do. That is, hoard anything shinny, set things on fire, and demand a human snack to appease its hunger. Full of puns, wordplay, and humorous cynicism this book would give Monty Python a run for its money, all while showing just how petty some powerful people can be, and how heroic some pathetic people may turn out to be. It a one in a million chance, but it just might work. The question is: Are you feeling lucky, punk?

This book drops us into Ankh-Morpork, a city held together by apathy, corruption, and the quiet hope that nothing important happens on your watch. Enter the Night Watch: underpaid, under-motivated, and deeply committed to not getting stabbed. When a secret society decides to summon a dragon to “fix” the city’s leadership problem, Captain Vimes and his misfit crew are forced to actually do their jobs, much to everyone’s chagrin. What looks like chaotic, laugh-out-loud absurdity quickly reveals Pratchett’s real trick: using humor to skewer classism, sexism, racism, and the dangerous absurdity of unchecked power. It’s as if Hitchhiker’s Guide, Monty Python, and Doctor Who had an even more socially aware and hilarious baby.. And the characters? Impossible to choose favorites, though if pressed, it’s Carrot (immediately promoted to Book Boyfriend status) and the Librarian (do not say monkey - Ook!). Reading this with a big group only made it better: conversations spun wildly from dragons to social commentary to biscuits vs. crackers to biscuits and gravy and the deeply unhinged things Brits name their candy. It was chaotic, communal, and weirdly perfect, exactly the kind of joyful disorder Pratchett thrives in. If you’ve never read Pratchett, this is an excellent entry point.

What do I see when I first open this page and go to the review section to write a review? Why, a picture of a bent cover. And what do you know, that is my complaint also. Kind of a bummer to shell out the money for a brand new book, get all excited, and the cover is bent. It's not a huge deal - I mean, it doesn't alter the stellar content - but still, it is excessively irksome. Hey, Amazon! Pay your workers a little more and quit working them like slaves and maybe they'll have the time to take a bit more care with the stuff we've ordered! Oh, and give them time to go to the bathroom as well. No good giving them a 10 minute bathroom break if the bathroom is a 15 minute walk away! Anyway....to the book. This is the first Pratchett book I ever read, and I instantly fell in love with the Night Watch. Oh Carrot, you are so awesome! I also fell in love with Vetinari. Man, that guy is scary. Anyway. Fabulous book! Brilliantly written! Absolutely hilarious! Just So. Dang. Funny. And insightful. Also, did I mention, well written? And engaging? You should definitely purchase and read this book. It's his best one. Of course, my husband would disagree. His favourite is Feet of Clay. Also Going Postal. But seriously, Coroporal Carrot is where it's at. Oh Carrot. <3 <3 <3 Anyway!!! My son has been instructed by his school to bring in a book for independent reading. I managed to get him to pick this book, not Feet of Clay. Muhahahhahaa! It's a delight to introduce him to the Disc and Ankh-Morpork. The poor kid's going to get sick of me saying, "What did you read today? Where are you in the book?" =D Might have to nick it off him and read it again myself. Where did *my* copy go anyway? I can't find it anywhere. Huh.

The last few weeks, my reading has been monopolized by the mind of Terry Pratchett. I have been sucked into the Discworld, and I am just fine with that. I sought out experts on which order to read the books, since there is no one straight linear way to read the books. I read the entire sequence centered on Death (and his extended family) first, since my introduction to the world of the Disc was the movie version of _Hogfather_. I bought the first one, _Mort_, just to see if I would like it. I liked it well enough; I bought the next two books in the series on the Death story-arc. A quarter of the way through the second book, I bought the final two books of the arc. I neared the end of one of those books and I bought the first three books from the "Guards" story-arc. At this point, I have only read one of those books, the first _Guards, Guards_. I was pleased, since I have to admit that I was a bit worried about the continuity of quality between story-arcs. Was I just interested in the character of Death, or did I like the world as a whole? It turns out that I like the world as a whole, and this is a huge strength of Pratchett. I want to learn about all the inhabitants and read all the stories, no matter how tangential. I don't usually keep many books in my wish list, but it is now filled up with Discworld books. He builds a world like Vonnegut did. There are many familiar elements of the world we inhabit but there is the magic element that rips from genre fiction: what Vonnegut did with science-fiction, Pratchett does with fantasy elements. There are a couple of things about the series generally that I really enjoyed. The first is what you try to develop as a writer, a unique voice. I've been struggling on finding the right word to really describe what I would characterize as Pratchett's voice. It is arch and tongue-in-cheek and just fun if you've read enough. He's a post-modern Tolkien, but that's a little off. Secondly, he is funny, and he's not afraid to go for the easy joke. There are puns-galore, if you like that sort of thing. I happen to. There is one very memorable one that he just sort of sneaks in during _Soul Music_. He takes the reader 90% of the way to the pay-off but allows the slow dawning to set on the reader, so that a bad pun feels like it was done masterfully. Which it is, it really is. If I had to make a critique of the books in the series that I have read so far is that I have read them too fast. My wife often tells me to slow down and enjoy the books you like, but I seldom listen to her. I should have here. There have been a couple of times that I enjoying the ride so much, I didn't even bother to remember what I had just read. I had to go and reread the last 50 pages of _Guards, Guards_ because of this. I enjoyed it too much. Otherwise, this is an unqualified recommendation for the Discworld books. Spend some time there, you won't regret it.

This hilarious take on what it means to be a member of the city guard of Ankh-Morpork is frought with hidden meanings. There's a Captain, a Sargent, and 2 lowly recruits, all earning about $30/month. There's also a high-born spinster who's raising swamp dragons, a bunch of University magicians unknowingly manipulated into raising a dragon (which promptly ate most of them), a University Librarian (who's was turned into an orangutan years ago) recruited into joining the city guard, and other assorted characters (some of whom are making returning appearances). The plot of the book is figuring out what to do with a pissed-off dragon that's been conjured (back?) into existence and how to subsequently get rid of it once it rampages out of control.

I found this to be a very interesting and fun read. The characters have depth and the story remained interesting and was also full of surprises. I would highly recommend this for most all ages!

When I read about the Guild of Thieves, I couldn't help thinking about the corporate bandits in our various Chambers of Commerce, and I had to grin....Pratchett's "Guards! Guards!" introduces Ankh-Morpork society, from the turgid, noxious river to the shady beat cops to the master manipulator Lord Vetinari, all in a delightful nancy story swirling around dragons (real and imagined), the power of belief, and the power of manipulating belief. Plus some magical stuff, of course. Descriptions of Corporal Vimes' epic drunk times in ditches are really funny, especially if you can relate. The introduction to the peculiar nature of library space-time is brilliantly accurate - I have experienced this myself! It's very easy to get lost in library surrealities (of course this was before the era of e-books and e-libraries....not sure how the vortices and loops of bookshelf magic would work there.....) The sidelining and manipulation of police and various organs of society in Ankh-Morpork are funny as well as sly social commentary. Pratchett also manages to totally spoof secret societies; the slimy and obsequious, yet sadistic and ambitious nature of the civil service (via Lupine Wonse); and the whole idea of heroism and justice (from the earnest literalness of Carrot to the unsung effectiveness of Vimes). A book I thoroughly enjoyed for its rollicking tale, and because it made me laugh, as well as - sometimes - think about the absurdities of governance. Oh, did I mention the farting dragon? Priceless.

Okay, so this is the best dragon book ever. For adults. Well, for those of us who think we are adults, who hope we are adults, but are really little kids in adult suits. I thought all the previous Discworld novels were funny. I was so wrong. This book left me in fits of giggles. At times I laughed so hard that I couldn't laugh anymore and just whimpered, and almost peed my pants once. Okay, twice. Okay, I don't remember how many times. Anyway. People told me that one of their favorites in the Discworld series is Guards! Guards! I get why. I mean, I haven't read the rest of them, but here Terry outdid himself. Every sentence is a pun, a joke, a clever satire, a poke at everything under the sky, marriage, religion, stupidity, politics, love, cowardice, you name it, he's got it all. Of course the dedication to the book alone will leave you struggling for breath. Haven't we all seen those movies with those unnamed men rushing at the hero, only to be butchered to smithereens? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. Enter secret societies, ruthless rulers, or, rather, loathsome men willing to become ruthless rulers, kings, kings, dragons, heirs to the throne, did I mention dragons? Yes, dragons, swamp dragons, dwarfs, big ladies (I will leave it here, because in the big ladies lies the secret of this book). But I'm rambling. Mind you, my stomach still hurts from laughing, so I'm a little jerky writing this. As to the actual story, because every proper review should do this. Let's see here. We start with a secret brotherhood doing something strange and mysterious… wait, no, before that we start with dragons dwelling in a mysterious place, and then a strange happening in the library, where, as you remember, an orangutan is a librarian. So, some plot is unfolding in the midst of the brotherhood, of course, as you might have guessed, to overthrow the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork and, well, everything that goes with it. But then, of course, everything goes wrong. Because there are still noble and honest men, like the men of the City Watch, especially the young recruit by the name of Carrot who was adopted by dwarfs but is actually twice their size and who has memorized the book of law of the city and is putting it to practice. You can imagine what that would cause in the city that is home to a Guild of Thieves, and Guild of Assassins, and stuff. Enter love. There is lots of awkward and hysterical love here, the details of which I can't disclose because I would spoil the book for you (it kept me guessing almost to the very end, which is rare, because I'm usually very shrewd.) There are also very important things like a tea kettle that gets eaten, and rats that understand English, and maidens chained to a rock, and lots of courage and pride and folk wisdom. That last one gave me stomach aches, one of those painful fits of laughter when you double down and lose all hope of ever standing upright. I think I need to cut writing this review, because you need to cut reading it and start reading Guards! Guards! as I can't possibly do it justice. Don't forget a pack of tissues. You'll need it.

Nobody writes as kind and whitty, funny and poeticly about the human and other races as Terry Pratchett. This is the first City Night Watch novel from the DiscWorld. Characters mostly beautiful on the inside. It's a feel-good book. T.P. died too soon but left us an epic story (series) about all the inhabitants of the DiscWorld. RIP

Book was in amazing condition, good packing. Looking forward to read the book.

This is Pratchett at his peak. Vimes is pragmatically awesome, Colon and Carrot are so good it hurts. But my favorite is Nobby. He is endearing and the way he is talked about is rib cracking funny. We get the first glimpses of the CHARACTER that Vetinari is, almost as good as Death. A must read for any Pratchett fan and non fan.

Ya he leído mas que la mitad en inglés y me encanta el estilo de Pratchett. Siempre hay momentos de sorpresa y el humor es increíblemente bueno.

This is a re-read review. Originally published here: http://www.abaddonbooks.com/post/661 THIS IS WHERE THE DRAGONS WENT. They lie… Not dead, not asleep. Not waiting, because waiting implies expectation. Possibly the word we’re looking for here is… …dormant. Insurrection is afoot in Ankh-Morpork. A secret society have formed under the watchful, and diabolically manipulative eye of The Supreme Grand Master and they’ve got their minds set on new leadership.* Everything’s in place, they’ve got a book on how to summon dragons, they’ve got their plethora of stolen magical items, and they’ve got a king.† Once their plan’s in motion they’ll be able to oust the Patrician (the City’s benign dictator) and take over. Meanwhile Ankh-Morpork’s broken and ineffective City Watch has grown by a quarter with the arrival of Carrot, a six foot six inch Dwarf whose world has been turned upside down at the revelation of his heritage (he’s not really a dwarf.) The new Corporal doesn’t quite understand the city ways of Thieves Guilds, The Shades, Dwarf Bars, or his superior officer being drunk most of the day; but under the watchful tutelage of the shabbiest Policemen of all time, he’ll go far. That along with an Orang-utan Librarian reporting the loss of a very important book (aren’t they all) and a spate of mysterious burnings, the Night Watch are going to have to work hard for it to be “12 O’clock and all’s well!” Can Captain Samuel Vimes pull himself out of a bottle to solve the Crime of the Century? Can Carrot stop arresting everyone he meets? Can Nobby pass an unlocked house without taking anything? Can Corporal Colon get up the stairs without having to pause for breath? And more importantly, can this ragtag group of coppers (plus one formidable high class Lady) save the city from a creature that shouldn’t really exist? MATT SAYS When Abaddon started putting together the re-read I very quickly asked to do Guards! Guards! It wasn’t my first Discworld book (I actually think it was my fourth) but it’s always been a special book to me – all because my Dad made a mistake. If we shoot back to 1999 (ten years after the book was first published) I asked my Dad to get me Guards! Guards! as I’d just devoured Mort in two days. Instead of the novel, he came home with the stage adaptation by Stephen Briggs. What happened next made my final year of fifth form the only non-Sixth Form school year I enjoyed. Together with a group of some of the most amazing creative cohorts possible, we petitioned the school to let us put on our own production (up until this point the school only allowed student-led productions in the Sixth form, there was an Avant Guards Guards joke made at the time: no one laughed then either.) We came up against some resistance (and to be fair if you’re a teacher in charge of fifth form productions and a group of precocious little buggers have taken your show as their own, you’d be irked) but after months of hard work and Terry’s blessing, we put it on. It was the most fun I had at school. I didn’t lead the group (an exceedingly talented young man called Andrew spearheaded all the hard work and directed) but I loved seeing my idea coming to life, and other people being as enthused as I was about the play. I cherry picked C.M.O.T. Dibbler (WITH ONIONS!) for myself and I still have a TY beanie dragon in my office. After this the Watch books became my go-to Pratchetts. Jingo had come out a couple of years before and the Fifth Elephant was round the corner. I already knew I loved his books, but the mix of satire, engaging plots and an eclectic mix of characters made my heart sing. So, to the re-read. I went into this with a mix of trepidation and buoying nostalgia. On one hand I’d not read this for 16 years, could it possibly be as amazing as I remembered? When you’re 15 pretty much everything you read that’s smarter than you are (most things) is amazing, but what if it wasn’t? On the other, this story is a defining part of my adolescence. I’m a father now, I have a house and grown up things; wouldn’t it be nice to step back? In the end of course, I had nothing to be afraid of. I’ve been told The Colour of Magic has dated somewhat but by Discworld book seven Pratchett was fully in his stride. The parody is more subtle (or as subtle as he gets) and every aspect of the book symbiotically works to produce an engaging and hilarious read. Looking back I know I missed a lot of the nuance of his work. The main example being that I hadn’t clocked that Poor Old Gaskin’s death had been the thing that had driven Vimes into his alcoholic malaise. Because Vimes grows so much along the novels, it’s hard to remember the way he was as Guards! Guards! opens. It’s also nice to see the introduction of people and places that are so important later on. It had the feeling of re-watching a TV series with someone who’s never seen it, I kept wanting to turn around and tell myself the importance of Detritus, Sybil and Pseudopolis Yard. Even knowing what comes next, the book is a super hook for the run of Watch tales. It’s a redemption story, which manages to parody your regular fantasy tropes like dragons and palace guards, but also the good old fashioned police story. Getting back into Discworld made me wonder how much of my love for it is how it influenced who am I now (I started reading these at 14), or is it speaking to my core as a person. Two pages in a footnote got me: The relevant equation is: Knowledge = power = energy = matter = mass; a good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read. As my wife can attest, I spend a massive amount of time in bookshops being caught in these black holes. He describes just before this an ‘old-fashioned second-hand bookshop, one of those that look as though they were designed by M. Escher on a bad day” which essentially is my watermark if a town is any good. Funnily enough I left my kids with my parents yesterday to browse in one in Barmouth. I’m sure it’s a fair mix of who I am anyway and how Terry’s writing was, that made me a devotee. I was lucky enough to meet him twice (he referred to the teacher who was resisting our show as “a horse’s arse.”‡) As much as I’ve enjoyed the re-read, and writing this, it was by no means easy. Look, I’m not saying I’ve felt a loss anywhere near to his friends or family, but I do have a Pratchett shaped hole in my life. Every year I had a book to look forward to like meeting a friend you only see once a year. Now I have but one to come. I’m lucky as I haven’t read every Discworld yet, but I know a day will come when I’ve read everything new to me. When you’re a 15 year old overweight bullied dreamer, having books that speak to you and make you smile are your lifeblood. I would escape to the Discworld when it all became too much, and I wish I’d had a chance to put that into words for the man himself while he was still with us. We are all supremely lucky to have enjoyed his work, and I intend now to watch my kids enjoy it. ---- *And the disposal of a brother-in-law’s fancy new carriage, and a hated Green Grocer’s. †At the very least they have someone who’ll do. ‡For the record the teacher in question was brilliant in the end. He helped us massively with the production, and he was a lovely teacher.