Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

This is the most comprehensive and therapeutic book on the topic you'll find. It is well written and covers everything you need to understand about the NPD/BPD in your life. It might not be the first book you pick up on the topic, but it should answer everything you want to know and will likely be the last or only book you need. Don't be turned off by the brash cover. The author clearly grasps the dynamics of a relationship with a Narcissist and/or Borderline (frequently the disorders overlap; people can be a mix of both). The author's tone is professional, gentle and knowledgeable. If needed, you can skip through easily with the clear subheaders noting each topic. The author has a lot of experience to draw upon from working with caretakers and addresses every element connected to dealing with the HCP (high conflict personality). And now, I don't need to write a book myself :) If you're looking for where to start definitely choose this book. And good luck!!

I wish I had come across this resource 10-20 years ago! It is clear, concise, straightforward, helpful, healing, insightful, empowering and so much more. It is the missing piece that I have been longing for after years of counseling, self-help books, and an absolutely poor marriage complete with negative effects on the children. Having new knowledge, a new way to process information and new tools of engagement has been transformative for me - my physical and mental health and my own measure of happiness to name but a few. And that’s the point, right? For the first time in a very long time, i am in control of myself, including being a happy, whole, autonomous person moving in a positive direction despite how any other person in my life may act. I have a new career, a long-term plan for myself. Where I used to feel selfish for taking care of myself, I now prioritize it without apology. Having grown up under what I now recognize as a parent with some serious narcissistic behaviors, I was literally blind to manipulation. I simply didn't know any better. On pages 114-115, the author states that learning this knowledge means you can never unlearn it: "You are stepping into a maturing process in yourself that eventually becomes irreversible. When out understanding and our skills in the world increase and mature, we rarely, if ever, go back to being less aware or less skilled or wanting less of the good things that have come into our lives." I see things in people that I hadn't been aware of before, let along know how to respond, protect myself, or move forward. This world is rife with manipulation on multiple levels! I highly recommend the book for everyone whether or not they are dealing with an active instance of being invoiced with a BP or Nar. It should be required reading for all somewhere in high school. Oh how different my life may have been if I had known any of this in my earlier years!

I wish I had found this book years ago, or at least one year ago, when I finally acknowledged my relationship was unhealthy. Maybe I'd have that year back of my life and things would have improved in my relationship OR I'd be moving on with my life, without my partner. I wish I had known what Borderline Personality Disorder was. The information in this book is very simply delivered and yet profound. You can get through this book pretty quickly which I think is important for someone who is completely drained of energy and feeling hopeless, constantly wondering if/how things will change or improve. Here is one of the main messages in this book: YOU (the caretaker) must change in order to have a better life. You need to stop hoping and stop trying to make the BP/NP change. Prior to "Stop Caretaking" I read "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft. That is how I realized my husband possesses many traits of BPD. I also highly recommend "Should I Stay.." for anyone struggling in an unhealthy, destructive relationship. If you have been struggling in a relationship for years like I have, you probably have already been implementing some of the coping mechanisms outlined in this book--but it is validating and empowering to have a mental health expert telling you are not crazy, you are doing your best, and give you more tools to alleviate some of your problems...I struggle mostly with boundaries, saying no, and not giving into the BPD's demands. I have been practicing though, and it does get easier, and I don't get as disappointed, injured, or angry when he has an "episode". I also recommend getting the audio book so you can listen when you don't have space or privacy to read. It was a nice supplement to the book. BUY THIS now. Don't waste anymore time. If you have a loved one who you think is in an unhealthy relationship, give this to them. Side note: I can appreciate someone with a borderline/narcissistic personality disorder being mildly offended by being referred to in this book as " the BP/NP". However, the author is doing her best to simplify the information and get it across to the reader. This book is for the caretakers.

Based on my personal experience, work with therapists, and a lot of research the author ignores the '1000 pound elephant' in the room. If you begin taking these very healthy, life affirming steps there is an excellent chance the Narcissist will discard you. I'm not as sure about Borderlines, but with my narcissistic husband, when I refused to be "enmeshed," and attempted to do things that were important to me and set boundaries he left. Perhaps I should say "good riddance" but it was a brutal shock, especially the way he left. He came home one day, packed up a U-haul and drove away. To this day, almost a year later, I don't know where he is. Before he drove off his chief complaints could have been lifted verbatim from this book. We didn't think as one. I was selfish. I didn't take his needs seriously. I didn't drop everything to talk when he needed it and he said things like, "I've been upset for a long time and you haven't even noticed." He got his revenge by discarding me. Again, in my experience and opinion, it is virtually impossible to follow the advice in this book-which you nevertheless should follow-and stay in relationship with a Narcissist because they won't allow it. The author REALLY needs to spend more time addressing Narcissistic discard because it is a very real risk and if you've been a Caretaker for a long time as I have you're not prepared for it.

After reading many books about verbal abuse, passive-aggressiveness, the spouse who avoids intimacy. etc., this book finally put it all together. This one helped me. First of all, organizing the previous characteristics into the category “vulnerable narcissist” made a lot of noise as all the pieces of my life fell into place with resounding clunks! Parent. Spouse 1. Spouse 2. Now Spouse 3. I had never seen the previous spouses as narcissists because the popular image of grandiose boasters did not really fit. But this book could have been written, word for word, about my current spouse, and explained the others. There are more of him! This is a Thing! The most important way this book helped is that it did not just present one spouse as a victim and the other as an abuser. This approach has really put me off many other books. This book has a more balanced view of the narcissist or borderline person as a valid person, with limitations but with a perspective that makes sense to them, as someone who might be worth being with... if one can avoid being eaten alive, the drained carcass spat out the way a spider drops the husks of its captured flies. There are communication and action techniques explained here. Some I had figured out on my own, for instance, that the narcissist’s own favorite response, No, is intolerable when delivered to him. Definitely dishes out what he can’t take, and completely indifferent to the hypocrisy of it. That he is not capable of loving or even knowing me; it has been a performance because his friends approve of me. I had moved on in creating my own life, finding friends who care, and I had arranged independent income and left. In my case, still working out during separation whether there is a way to avoid that third divorce, or whether it is my best interest to cut my losses. This book will be my guide during the coming year.

My mother is a Narcissist. I discovered this at age 34 and have begun healing from the emotional abuse with the help of a therapist and reading books about the mental illness. I started with Toxic Parents (a good, general starter book), then Will I Ever Be Good Enough? (highly recommend), and have now found Stop Caretaking. Stop Caretaking is a detailed, well-written, easy-to-read book about both Narcissism and BPD. It opened my eyes to the possibility that my mom is also BPD. I first got the book from the library, and when I was finished, it was filled with hundreds of Post-It notes. So many parts of this book were meaningful to me. Because I found the book helpful, I bought my own copy and transferred every single Post-It. I will definitely read the book again and have recommended it to friends who are unfortunate enough to have Narcissistic parents. Important for me to note, all three books I've recommended are secular. I have had people recommend books to me, failing to mention that they are highly-religious books. In my experience, religious Narcissists use their religion to exacerbate the abuse they inflict on their children, spouses, family members, and whoever they come into contact with, as is in my case. I am not willing to read religious-based books on psychology or mental illness, and I feel it's important to touch on this topic.

When you start reading this book's introduction a sense of self awareness will quickly descend on you as you realize you are in the caretaking role with either someone you know who is a borderline or narcissist OR both at the same time. I took the test at the back of the book and I got a total of 181 points. This means I'm a Self-Defeater. What you will learn from this book is that what you are dealing with is unpredictable in reality, while in theory it all makes a lot of sense. You can become depressed and anxious yourself if you don't know how to deal with things. You may be a caretaker if you are always concerned about making other people happy and ignore your own needs. This book will make you feel seen and accepted for who you are but it cautions you not to stay complacent and throughout the book it encourages you to change the dynamics of your relationship so you can be happy. Some of the great sections were on how to bargain to make things better. Words are given for the beginning of sentences and then you fill them in. It may be easier to write a letter using the words to start with when bargaining. Every word in this book seemed true to me and highlighted the mistakes caretakers make in being so accommodating to borderlines and narcissists. Where needed the author differentiates between the two but often you are dealing with a lot of the same things like anger, projection, blaming you for everything or controlling attitudes. They are also sometimes very charming at the start but will withhold affection later. One thing this book points out is that being around them is sort of like an emotional roller coaster ride. If you are an empath you will feel it even more strongly as emotions surge in the borderline or narcissist. Trust me when I say you will be happy to have read this book and to have taken back your power. So many people are anxious because they are being abused by a narcissist! The only thing I'd suggest is non religious yoga and meditation. Those do reduce anxiety! I am not a doctor, nor is this review medical or psychological advice! Please consult with your own therapist or counselor! ~The Rebecca Review

This is a very helpful book. The most penetrating passage, in my opinion was this: "You, however, take on the Caretaker task of trying to “teach” the BP/NP to think logically. Caretakers spend enormous amounts of time and energy trying to come up with ways of saying and explaining things to the BP/NP that are more clear, that are more understandable, or that make more sense. You hang onto the delusional belief that if you could just find the “right way” to explain things, then the BP/NP would see things clearly and the relationship could be healed. Actually, BP/NPs seem to have a random mix of logical and illogical thoughts, which can lead you to think that you have reason for hope. The truth is that the BP/NP is unable to consistently respond logically. You may find it hard to believe that this ability just comes and goes in a random manner. However, that is exactly the reality of dealing with a BP/NP. So when you get so caught up trying to be logical, you are trapping yourself in the Caretaker role." I found that statement so empowering and worth the cost of the book. Ask God for strength, and decide how YOU need to change. For me it was to stop trying to change a dear but troubled friend and leave him in God's hands with no more contact from me. Jesus is able to heal and comfort him. It can feel like surgery, but I promise the peace and relief that comes will supercede the loss, and you can experience true forgiveness as well as realizing your own weaknesses.

What a great book. Easy to read, simple in explanation YET packs the punch that is needed to see the reality of the situation one can become embroiled in and how to leave or deal with it to ensure you are devoid of guilt and NOT drained to the point of exhaustion. It has helped me with my mother and the man I was involved with. I chose to leave as the physical repercussions along with mental and emotional pain was quite literally killing me. Due to in part, being familiar with these thoughts/feelings/reactions since a child-I was in a way- uncomfortably used/resigned to it. I actually had to put the book down 3 days into it as the truth of the whole situation made me feel sick to the stomach. I'm glad I have now finished it because it has enabled me to make the decision that was desperately needed without blaming anyone or thing. To actually feel compassion for the individual but NOT responsible for or to them. I thank the author from the bottom of my heart as I feel absolutely able to go on with life (excitedly TBH) free of guilt and awake to the mechanisms of these individuals. THIS BOOK IS WORTH it's weight in GOLD!

This book helps the caretaker to understand what they are thinking and doing wrong. It further provides examples of how one gets away from the care taking role

Wow !, where do I begin. The truths in this book are totally shocking, but that’s what we need to finally see & accept the truth of the matter. It felt like the book was written just for me & my emotionally abusive relationship. It explains the abuse in an excellent way, in a way that’s easier to grasp the severity of every day interactions. Be prepared for a wave of what can only be felt & seem as over emotional feelings & emotions, but this by far not a negative thing, those deep seated emotions that have suppressed for so long need to come out in order for you to recognise, accept & help you try & move forward to finally & basically “love yourself & stand up for yourself”. Now I totally stand up for myself towards the gaslighting perpetrator-(the perpetrators traits are far to long to list here)-the most important step is to recognise it, get help & support & try your best tp start baby steps of “looking after you, loving you” as this hasn’t been the case for so long. I know, again I KNOW that I am I good, caring & loving person, which is what we need more of in the world, these positive traits of mine have been trampled on from a very great height. I have no job, n money & I don’t go out of the house, but let me tell you this-I am fully aware now of what’s been going on, out of love can I help & change the person who I adored to respect & love me like I did him, like a healthy loving partner would do ?, not in a million bloody years. They have to want to change themselves, & nothing will ever change until they recognise their behaviour’s & seek help, which will not happen as they in complete denial & constantly twist it back on to you, basically I’m a nervous wreck, I don’t work-(you no need to work, I will look after you)-recognise this bit ?. But will I eventually get back to my old self, my happy self, whose assertive & likes herself-(the loving myself will come) , like is a fantastic start. So my answer is “HELL YEAH”‼️. P-s if your relationship is physically abuse then I would strongly seek advice online with a professional, standing up for yourself when you endure physical abuse could be very dangerous for & your children if you have any, please seek professional help in secret & help you come up with a safe action plan. Do it for you, you deserve it. A massive heartfelt good luck, you will get there xxx

Je n’ai pas grand chose à rajouter sur certains commentaires que j’ai lu (Olympe en particulier qui rejoint tout à fait ma perception but others in English too). J’aurais voulu trouver ce livre bien avant. Une vrai révélation, offrant à la fois une meilleure compréhension et compassion sans jugement sur la personne atteinte de NPD/BPD (il y a tellement de livres stigmatisants et comme lu dans un long commentaire le terme ‘pervers narcissiste’ est porteur de confusion), mais surtout un éclairage important sur le ‘caretaker’, ses propres failles et points communs avec la personne atteinte du trouble de personnalité. Chacun aura sa propre et unique expérience, mais personnellement, même si le futur reste incertain, ce livre m’a permit de me remettre en cause, de faire face à quelques dures réalités de ma propre attitude.

A good informative book about the disorder of borderline and narcissist personality. Also very good information how to end the care taking and move out and start a new life away from people who makes hell and will never change.