The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills -- and Leave a Positive Impression!

I enjoyed reading this book and would recommend it to anyone who would like to improve their communication skills. It never hurts to learn more about communicating with others and how to better connect with people. I’ve had some experience in networking and creating relationships with other people but I often thought there was room for improvement on my end. As an introvert it can be difficult to make small talk - and I’d rather dive into deeper subjects. After reading this book I feel more comfortable about engaging a small talk with people and this book gives me more confidence to approach others and start conversations. You never know where your next conversation will take you - it might just be the relationship that opens other avenues in your life.

I would put this book in the category of "professional self help". Because of my desire to further my career, I have strayed away from the enjoyment of fiction and my David Baldacci obsession to this genre. I received this book on Saturday, 5/27/18, and finished it within two days. It is a very short read, around ~200 pages, large print, small pages, and has several comic-style strips, and long lists taking up space, making it a quick read (~3 hours). As far as content goes, the book actually does deliver. It has some very detailed advice regarding speaking to people from starting a conversation, continuing a conversation, transitions, topics of conversation, etc. The reason I knocked off one star is because each category the author gives taxonomies (IE: The 5 types of conversation killers), but does not go on to direct the reader on how to correct this behavior. One other pitfall I found in the book is the amount of "confidence building" or "ego stroking" the author conveys, although I understand the audience and reason for this, it is a little too much at times. Overall I think this book is great, especially for people who experience anxiety with social situations as I do. With that being said, the book does not do the work for you, but it does prepare you on how to effectively make social situations more successful. I even gave it to my intern, who is a recent college grad, and has been open about her anxiety at professional mixers, and she found it very helpful. Some of the advice can easily be implemented very successfully the same day as reading, which I found to give me a big confidence boost.

So many books have been written about the "art of conversation," or "small talk," and so many people feel almost completely inadequate about the whole notion of trying to make conversation, that I felt compelled to offer my take on the subject. I have never had a problem talking to people - in fact, I have always heard, all my life, that I am very outgoing and friendly. But I have also felt completely stymied, on occasion - especially when meeting someone new - with not being able to think of anything to say, and it becomes very uncomfortable to be in that situation. That this could ever happen to someone who virtually never has any problem with talking to people was puzzling, to say the least. Our immediate reaction whenever this happens is to think that we, ourselves, have some sort of problem. We invariably equate our not being able to think of something to say with being shy. But I have discovered that this is actually a reaction to what another person has said, or more to the point, has not said, rather than an inherent condition. One particular incident was so troubling to me, I attempted to analyze exactly what happened, and figure out what may have caused it. But it was very instructive to me when that happened. I learned from that episode that actions from one person trigger counter-actions from another, and they are an automatic reaction. This was a classic case of cause-and-effect, and I will never forget the impact this episode had on me. It taught me something that I had never had occasion to even think about before. Being at a loss for words is something that many people have experienced at one time or another. However, I am here to tell you: Cheer up! It's almost surely not your fault, at all! One thing to always keep in mind: Conversation is a two-way street. It is not possible to talk to yourself. Well, it actually is, but you will definitely get some strange looks if you do. But the point is that it takes two... just like the song says, "It Takes Two To Tango." However, there is another angle to the problem of having conversation with someone you don't know, which is completely out of our hands: There is a very serious mental health issue which afflicts over 17 million American adults, called "Social Anxiety," or "Social Phobia." We encounter the victims of this insidious condition all the time, but do not realize it when it happens. It's something most people have never even heard of, and know absolutely nothing about. This condition renders its victims unable to conduct what we would regard as "normal" conversation, in that they can't express themselves fluently, and can only speak in short sentences of just a few words. But they otherwise outwardly appear to be perfectly normal. The problem arises when we attempt to interact with them, inasmuch as we have no idea that we're trying to talk to someone who almost literally can't speak. Their distress is usually pretty apparent right away. Instead of an immediate response, you often receive a lengthy pause, followed by an answer of, at most, three or four words. And that answer will frequently consist of yes, no, or I don't know, but never with a descriptive sentence. But having asked them a question, we can't just abruptly turn and walk away - although we both would be much better off to do exactly that. It becomes extremely awkward, because the more questions you ask, in an effort to try to communicate with them, the less able they are to answer you. There is no way to predict when you will run into someone with this condition, and in fact, they seem to gravitate to places that one would expect them to avoid - where people are gathered to mix and mingle, and who certainly expect to be able to talk to each other. It's only when we make an attempt to engage someone with this condition in actual conversation that we discover that there is a problem. Sometimes, when attempting to talk to someone we may have just met, we find that we can't think of anything to say. Very often, this has nothing whatsoever to do with your inability to think of something interesting to say, but has everything to do with the fact that you are trying to talk to a person who cannot, or will not talk. This occurs more frequently than we could even imagine. Usually, it happens after we have made an opening comment to someone we don't already know, to which they respond with stone silence. And we're not even sure exactly what we said. When we speak to someone, to be met with silence is such a rude, insulting act, that it assaults the senses, and makes it impossible to think of anything appropriate to say. The game of verbal interaction out in public has rules, even though they are silent, and not chiseled in stone. It's something that people just automatically expect other people to understand, and play by. Of course, this only has to happen once, and you feel totally rejected. We just naturally assume that they have heard us, and are deliberately ignoring us, for whatever reason. It is so surprising, and so unexpected, you immediately become convinced that you have just "laid an egg," or said something that they have deemed offensive, and so you clamp your mouth shut, and think of yourself as being incurably shy. Except you're not shy at all. You'd know it for sure, if you really were. If you have no trouble talking to friends or family, you probably don't have a problem at all, even though you might think you do. You think the problem is that you are unable to talk to strangers, and this, to you, is proof positive. In hindsight, what is so amazing about this whole scenario is that we just automatically assume that we are the problem; that we somehow are at fault, and not once do we even consider that the real cause of the problem is that the person we are attempting to converse with is not capable of communicating. Especially if they appear to be someone of some substantial standing in the group - which happens much more frequently than you might ever suspect. It just doesn't seem reasonable that someone who appears to cast a commanding presence, and gives the impression that they are someone to definitely be contended with, could possibly have any sort of problem with talking. But you might be very much surprised. Sometimes, we will ask a question of someone, and they do not respond, but instead, seem to look very condescendingly at us, and we feel intimidated. We interpret this as a superior attitude, and we feel knocked down in importance, and reduced in stature, at least inwardly. But what is actually happening is that this person is not capable of coming up with any sort of answer to our question or remark. They don't respond, because they can't. It is very possible that the glaring look they send our way is pure anger, that we have unwittingly exposed their Achilles heel. Just by asking them a question, we put them on the spot to answer, and they are unable to do so. If you were afflicted with Social Anxiety, you definitely would know it. You would not be asking anybody any questions, about anything, and you certainly would not be buying books that professed to cure your "shyness" out in the public arena. But there has to be a reason that this happened to you at this particular time and place... and there is. You have encountered someone who does have Social Anxiety, and have asked them a question. Think about it: Usually, when we experience what we think of as an "awkward silence," it is right after we have said something to someone we don't know, and they do not immediately respond. A strange silence hovers in the air, and we feel as though we could sink into our shoes. We feel sure we have said something terrible, even though we have no idea what it might have been - but the cold silence we are receiving is devastating. In the space of just a few seconds, a "cat and mouse" game is being played out. Normally, the person asking the question controls the direction of the conversation. But just as soon as the person being asked the question responds with silence, that control is wrenched away from the person asking the question, and he is put on the defensive. This is the moment when the control shifts from the one asking the question, to the person who is expected to respond, but does not. The questioner almost always automatically assumes that they are at fault, and feels extremely vulnerable. But the important thing to keep in mind is that you asked a question, but did not receive an answer, and why do you suppose that happened? If you examine what has just transpired, it is that you have said something that normally would have elicited a response. You expected a response, and yet no response has been forthcoming - only dead silence. This is completely unexpected, and catches you totally flat-footed! But this didn't happen because you said something that was embarrassing, or out of line. This happened because the person you were addressing was not capable of responding to your question or comment. Don't you get it? You spoke to him, expecting a reply, but you might as well have been speaking a foreign language, because all you got from him was a hard glare, and total silence. He can't function. He can't respond to your comment or question, no matter what it is. He's not being rude - although that's the impression you get - he just can't do any better. To answer your comment or question would have required him to have come up with a stream-of-consciousness reply, explaining his opinion and the reasoning behind his answers, but his mental condition will not permit him to do so. And so he says nothing. Hence, the "awkward silence." And you are left "twisting in the wind," or hung out to dry, feeling as though you have dropped the ball, and blown a social encounter, and failed to keep the conversation going. And it's all your fault. But it's not your fault at all. In fact, you are the true victim here. Actually, though, you are not really a victim, since you do not have a mental issue. You are merely the unfortunate recipient of circumstance. The biggest and most important lesson to learn from all of this is simply to not be shocked or surprised. Even though most of us definitely are surprised when this sort of thing happens, the main thing is just to be aware that this condition definitely does exist in the world, and we could very well find ourselves confronted with this scenario again, at some point in the future, and to not let it confound us, and make us doubt ourselves. We feel a sense of personal responsibility whenever the dreaded "awkward silence" occurs, but it is not our fault, at all. When you receive silence as a response to a question or comment you make, it is not possible to salvage any sensible outcome from the exchange, because an exchange never actually happened in the first place. Any comment or question deserves a response, and lacking that response, there is actually nothing to say, except to frankly, walk away. But realizing that we are not at fault is the first requirement in calming our fears about being inadequate in socializing with others. The point is that the problems that other people have are also projected onto us, insofar as we are continually interacting with other people every day, and have to suffer through whatever might ensue, once we are locked into an attempt to converse with them. In other words, what you see is not always what you get. We meet someone who seems to be perfectly normal, but once we start trying to communicate with them, discover that they are virtually totally incapable of carrying on a conversation. How desperately sad! Even though anyone suffering from this condition certainly deserves compassion, once we realize that this is the case, it is futile to continue to attempt to have any sort of meaningful conversation, as confusing as that is to realize. And so, nothing has been resolved; the whole conversation is just left hanging, with no closure, but you are obviously at the end of the encounter, and you are left to just sort of saunter away, in some other direction. This is actually separate and apart from the very real problem that many people have about making small talk at social gatherings. It is not easy, for many people. Much of it is due to a lack of self-confidence, which can't be easily cured with a few well-practiced sentences, or lines from a book. But that lack of confidence is only exacerbated when we, in all innocence and sincerity, approach someone and ask them a question, only to be met with a wall of silence. This serves to shatter any feelings of competence we might have in being out in the great social wilderness, but it happens all the time, and contributes in no small part to the feelings we may have about being shy when meeting new people. If we can understand that the problem is not because of any shyness we may have, but actually because of the inability of the person we are attempting to converse with to respond, our fears will disappear. Confidence only comes with experience. Sometimes, being out in the social jungle is like a soldier negotiating a mine field: There is disaster almost anywhere you step. But even beyond the normal travails that present themselves at social gatherings, in trying to mix and mingle, we find that very often we are attempting to have a conversation, and trying to put our most charming foot forward, with someone who has no ability to reciprocate. Meaning that they can't speak, almost at all, beyond a three or four word sentence. And even that won't necessarily relate to whatever you may have just said. The net result of this is that we come away confused, and at a complete loss to understand, and think of it as somehow being all our own fault. What is so devastating to our ego is that we interpret their actions as rejection. But it is actually an inability on their part to formulate any sort of response, due to an unfortunate mental block. The point is that in meeting this totally unexpected silence in attempting to have a conversation with someone, is not in any way an indication that you have any sort of "shyness" problem, but only indicates that you are attempting to converse with someone who is not able to reciprocate. This invariably comes as a total surprise, and leaves us momentarily stunned, and unable to think of anything to say. What it all boils down to is that we can very easily be blind-sided into assuming that someone who appears to be completely normal actually is normal, and capable of interacting normally in social events. But we often find that the book's cover does not accurately reflect the book's content. Slowly, comes the dawn: We finally begin to realize that we actually don't have any problem at all in talking to other people, but that there are people who we attempt to talk to who simply can't reciprocate, and it's not our fault at all. If someone can't as much as answer your question, we really don't have anything to respond to, do we? To actually witness something as profoundly troubling as this is, and to realize that this person has no chance whatsoever, to simply experience the joy of having one-on-one conversation, such as most of us take for granted every day of our life, is tragic. They are relegated to virtual silence - although they may very well be able to talk with their own family or with friends, who are aware of their condition. Just to satisfy your own mind, and to prove to yourself that everything I have just said is true, all you need to do is make a few additional attempts to converse with this person, and you will invariably receive the same evasive response. Maybe not immediately, but if it's someone you are apt to come in contact with again in the future, you will have an opportunity to test it out. But this time you won't be caught so completely unprepared. It can't be stated emphatically enough that your own mental health is precious, and needs to be safeguarded at all times, to the best of your ability. It is very difficult to imagine the harm to our psyche that can be caused by a seemingly innocent social contact. The big thing to remember is that all of this disruption was created, almost always, by one individual. If we can get over the idea that we have some sort of problem, and realize that one person caused all the confusion, and that we have virtually no trouble getting along with the vast majority of other people we come in contact with, we will feel very comfortable in our own skin, and have perfectly good relationships with almost everybody we meet. But what is so astonishing about this is that they often seem for all the world to be a completely normal person, sometimes even appearing to be someone with above-average intelligence. This can only serve to further complicate our sometimes already shaky faith in our own social abilities, which is extremely unfortunate, since it is all so unnecessary. Did you ever stop to think of just what the difference is between talking to people you know, versus someone you've just met? With your friends, you know what to expect. You know that they are capable of communicating, and will answer your questions easily. But a stranger is an unknown quantity: You have no assurance that they will respond appropriately to anything you say. And in fact, when they do not respond to an overture you may have made, you feel that you must have said something wrong, or they would have responded in the way you expected. What you don't realize is that they are not able to respond appropriately. In fact, they can't respond at all. By contrast, if someone is "easy to talk to," even though we may have just met them, they seem as comfortable as an old friend. And so, we attach all the wrong reasons to things that happen, and tend to blame ourselves. Perhaps the most important lesson to be learned about getting along in public conversation, and even with people you think you know, is that looks can be very deceiving. Somebody may look for all the world to be just a regular, average Joe or Jane, but until you determine that they can actually carry on a conversation, you simply do not know for sure. But it is relatively easy to find out: Just asking a few tentative questions, to see how they respond, and whether they can actually even converse at all, is all it takes. If they seem voluble and glib, at least you know they can speak. It doesn't even matter what the question is about: You're just looking to see how much they are able to talk. You don't have to mentally prepare any dialog in your head; just any thought that comes to mind will suffice. Most conversations start out with the most mundane of comments, and build from there, if there is in fact any conversation to be made from it. But you must be prepared to discover that you might not get any sort of answer that makes any sense, and that is the purpose of asking the question in the first place. Actually, every conversation boils down to simply asking a question, and answering a question. It's not rocket science. People have been doing it for thousands of years. If you can't ask someone a question, and be able to count on them answering your question to your satisfaction, then there is definitely a problem, but the problem is not with you. One word of caution: If you should happen to find yourself involved in a social organization where you encounter frequent and multiple examples of what I have just described, you must realize that you are outnumbered, and you are in jeopardy of harm to your own sanity. This is not an exaggeration. Whether you remain involved is your decision, but I can tell you, it's not worth it.

I wish I liked this book more than I did. Some of Ms. Fine's advice makes total sense (practice, don't be afraid of messing up, etc.). On the other hand, some of the suggested conversation starters are bizarre and would feel very intrusive coming from a stranger. It doesn't help that this book is over a decade old and it shows - it needs an updated edition very badly.

I did not have any idea to have a great small talk beyond the how are you until read this book. Now after reading this book I will use what I learned

The book came in perfect condition and shipping was fast. I definitely recommend.

Overall the book does have a good amount of useful information to provide to the reader. Some of the other reviewers have penalized the book for being "geared towards businesses." Admittedly, there is a good amount of "business talk," however I still think the book on the whole is geared towards anyone. I took off one star because I think that some of her suggested questions to get things going to start a conversation, keep one going, or end one are pretty ridiculous and unrealistic. However, she does have some interesting questions/statements that can be used for conversations, and I do agree with a significant amount of what she is talking about. Even with what I feel are some slight flaws, I would still recommend this book to anyone to read. Overall it is an easy, fast, and practical book.

Must-read book

Got an older version of this book which just started reading..and is great and so helpful!..so ordered a spare 2nd hand copy :) 😊👍

Boosts social skills

Would recommend to everyone who is looking to expand their network!

雑誌ですすめられていた本です。会話の進め方や言い回しが教科書のように非常にわかりやすく書かれています。