The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World

I discovered The Book of Forgiving in 2021 between my separation and divorce in a presentation on “Learning How to Forgive,” where 1/3 of the quotes came from this book. I have spent my whole life studying the scriptures and learning the importance of forgiveness and attempting to forgive others. But before reading this book, I was doing things and acting in ways that were impeding my ability to heal. Unfortunately, I find most people do not know “how” to heal. This is the first book that taught me “how” to forgive–what works and what doesn’t work. After reading and studying this book, I had actually had the power and strength to heal. It is one of my top 2 foundational books that I read in 2021 on building and repairing relationships–the other book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work–I read about 30 to 40 books a year. Of all the books that I recommend to friends, this book is the most popular among them and caused/created the greatest change with them. I get the most comments on this book on the benefits to my friends. While Desmond Tutu and I are both Christian, and the Christian perspective adds more depth to the book, the ideas and concepts around forgiveness are applicable to anyone. Most of the major religions and philosophies subscribe to these principles of forgiveness. One of the most powerful models for healing is understanding the fourfold path forgiveness cycle and the revenge cycle (page 49). When we experience hurt, harm, and/or loss, we will experience physical and/or emotional pain. What we do next will determine if we enter the revenge cycle by default or intentionally choose to heal. Fundamental to healing is to understand that we are dual beings and the same person is capable of doing both great kindness and good as well as meanness and evil depending on the situation–our humanity. I believe that we are inherently good but we are also capable of doing bad and sometimes awful things at times. We need to recognize this shared humanity if we want to heal and move forward in our lives. Otherwise, we will reject this shared humanity and get stuck and trapped in the revenge cycle, which leads to desires for revenge, retaliation, and payback and eventually violence and cruelty, which continues to perpetuate the hurt, harm, and/or loss. A common tactic in the revenge cycle is “labeling”--characterizing someone as one-sided–especially demonizing someone in an attempt to strip them of their humanity, which is used extensively in politics, media, and social media. If someone uses the term(s), “narcissist,” “narcissism,” “racism,” or any other “-ism,” they are probably stuck in the revenge cycle. Choosing to heal is not about stuffing and suppressing our feelings, but giving them a more effective and proper voice and a less detrimental and destructive outlet. First, we must recognize our shared humanity. Second, we need to tell our story–preferably with details. Third, we need to name the hurt and the emotions that we are experiencing–hopefully with granularity. We can only tame what we can name. Fourth, we need to grant forgiveness–which is NOT reestablishing trust–but a mechanism for us to move one. In granting forgiveness, we need to let go of a better, expected, and/or hoped-for past–unfortunately, it is gone. Fifth, we need to renew or release the relationship. Most relationships can be repaired, usually with appropriate boundaries, but a very few toxic relationships may need to be released and contact with a perpetrator–a person continuing to seek harm–may need to be terminated. If you are very personal with your experiences and feelings, like me, you might struggle with forgiveness and healing. If you are unable to tell your story and name your emotions and hurts, you might just be repressing the revenge cycle, which will emerge at an inopportune time. Been there, done that. You’ll especially need this book. Some of my favorite quotes of the book: “Healing does not draw a veil over the hurt. Rather, healing and reconciliation demand an honest reckoning. For Christians, Jesus Christ sets the pattern for forgiveness and reconciliation. He offered his betrayers forgiveness. Jesus, the Son of God, could erase the signs of leprosy; heal those broken in body, mind, or spirit; and restore sight to the blind. He must also have been able to obliterate the signs of the torture and death he endured. But he chose not to erase that evidence. After the resurrection, he appeared to his disciples. In most instances, he showed them his wounds and his scars. This is what healing demands. Behavior that is hurtful, shameful, abusive, or demeaning must be brought into the fierce light of truth. And truth can be brutal. In fact, truth may exacerbate the hurt; it might make things worse. But if we want real forgiveness and real healing, we must face the real injury.” (page 24) Unfortunately, most people don’t know how to listen and/or acknowledge harm. “How to Listen (page 82) • Do not question the facts. • Do not cross-examine. • Create a safe space. • Acknowledge what happened. • Empathize with the pain.” “How to Acknowledge the Harm (page 108) • Listen. • Do not try to fix the pain. • Do not minimize the loss. • Do not offer advice. • Do not respond with your own loss or grief. • Keep confidentiality. • Offer your love and your caring. • Empathize and offer comfort.” “Perhaps you believe you have already accepted what has happened and forgiven person who harmed you. This is wonderful. In fairness, I must caution that many people, even very spiritual people, try to leap over their suffering in pursuit of their inner peace or their sense of what is the right thing to do. The words of forgiveness are said, but the reality of forgiveness has not taken root in their hearts and lives.” (page 128) This is one of the most transformative books that I have ever read. Reading and following the guidance of this book will liberate your soul.

This is probably one of the best books about forgiveness I’ve ever read. I’ve used it now multiple times as a Lenten book study for church groups. Rooted in the spiritual and psychological wisdom of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, this book offers a practical, heartfelt, and deeply human approach to forgiveness—one that doesn’t bypass pain but walks through it with grace and integrity. Whether you’ve experienced trauma, betrayal, or simply the small daily wounds we all accumulate, this book offers a process that is both accessible and transformative. Forgiveness is not presented as a quick fix or a moral obligation, but as a radical act of courage and liberation. The stories and reflections remind us that forgiveness is not about excusing harm, but about freeing ourselves from the chains of resentment and reclaiming our own peace. This book is a gift to anyone carrying the weight of old wounds. It doesn’t promise that the journey will be easy, but it assures us that healing is possible—and that love and reconciliation are not naïve ideals, but deep truths we can live into. Highly recommended for readers of all backgrounds—this is not just a book to read, but one to return to again and again.

This book will take time. At least it took me almost a year to read through. It has required much of me, while at the same time giving so much life. The Book of Forgiving is about the fourfold part of forgiving: telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness, and renewing or releasing the relationship. This is a book that I think I will keep for life. I can see it being a resource for when I am needing to forgive, when I need ask for forgiveness, or forgive myself. These notes are for myself and a way to distill what I learned and remember from the book. It’s a way for me to process what I internalized and have been practicing. At the end of each chapter there are poems, things to remember, meditations, and exercises. The exercises are not a walk in the park and some can’t be done in a day. In fact, I would say that it’s not a linear read. I read the book to cover to cover but there are several pages that I dog-eared to go back to when I have the space in my journey. I’m taking my time, but not too much time. I love this book and the way that it presents forgiveness. I love that it is all about truth. There is not genuine forgiveness, and therefore no genuine healing, without genuine truth. It’s what sets us all free. Read this. It will take emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. It will take time and effort. It may rock your world for a while, but oh the peace. -HBR

We selected this book for our book study at church. I thoroughly enjoyed it! It was a timely read for me as I was on vacation in South Africa and was able to visit the Apartheid Museum just after finishing the book. I had anticipated the book taking a more broad approach to forgiveness but found value in the personalized approach to healing through forgiveness. Recommended readling for all!!

Ein eindrucksvolles Buch, dass lebensnah beschreibt was Vergebung bedeutet und wie wir sie in unser Leben einladen können. Es hat mich tief in meinem Herzen berührt!

Great read

This was purchased as part of a group study project.

Very moving

Dans ce livre comme dans le challenge lancé en mai par Desmond et Mpho Tutu, nous sommes invités à choisir entre le chemin de la vengeance et celui de la réconciliation. Et cela pour les événements importants de notre vie, comme pour les petits incidents du quotidien. À lire par tous ceux qui aspirent à la paix dans leur vie quotidienne.